I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
