My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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