I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My cat gives me a boner
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
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