Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
