life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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