dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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