My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize