She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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