why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
