dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
