I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You are a genius and a whore.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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