whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
