Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
