But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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