when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize