Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
