I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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