Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
