ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
