I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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