i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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