Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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