how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
