It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
