just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
