Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
