highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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