we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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