I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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