so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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