i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
