Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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