Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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