I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
