even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We just shotgunned beers for America
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
