The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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