Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
