I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
