Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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