My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
