true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
