I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
where does the pee come out of this thing
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
