someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
