he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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