I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize