WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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