I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No subtext here. People are naked.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
