You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
