I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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