I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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