Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
