Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
