Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You ruined the universe
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
