Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize