He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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