chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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