who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
