My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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