Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
